Trees shedding their leaves, I’m reminded of all the beliefs systems we need to let go of that hold us back.  It’s a constant shedding process isn’t it?  Just when you think you’ve let something “go” or switched your mind around it, you see another formation of the same belief or mind set.  It’s an interesting thing, this game called life.  It’s amazing to sit back and watch the seasons of our lives roll by, not only to bear witness in it all, but to feel, to learn, to love, to play, dance, sing and what ever else lifts our spirits and causes us to express what we call, “who we are”.

It’s facisnating to surprise ourselves now and again too isn’t it?  Life gives us grand opportunities to see “who” we will be in the midst of it.  It’s not so much WHAT happens to us as it is how we will respond.   “That’s where character comes in”, my Mamma use to say.  Who are we in the face of change, in the face of challenges, how do we treat ourselves and our neighbors?  During a struggle do we get consumed in it or can we continue to see the bigger picture?  That we are here momentarily…that love is really all we are put here to do.  We are IN this world but not OF it.

As I sit here to write a blog…I haven’t done this in a while.  I haven’t made known what is going on in my mind because sometimes frankly…my mind is every where…like the little mouse character “Speedy Gonzalas” (those under 30 might not know what I’m talking about…and isn’t that wild!)  Racing off to the next thing, the next show, the next task, the next item, the next meal to prepare, the next chore to fulfill…

Meanwhile,  I had the opportunity last week to play for a funeral service.  I did not know the man who passed but we were hired to sing “Life is Beautiful”.  There were over 150 people in this room.  Many people did not have a chair and they stood for several hours, mourning, consoling, reflecting.  Mo and I had played a 45 minute set before the ceremony was to begin.  We tried to pick appropriate songs as we always do to represent the energy of the crowd.  This was the first service like this we’ve ever played.  As I took my seat and listened to all the friends and family of this man speak…I was overwhelmed with emotions.

I was in trouble.  How can I lift an audience and sing, when I can’t even speak because I’m holding back the tears?  I sat there…feeling 14 again.  Not wanting to give into my emotions because I didn’t know this man…but I felt so much.  And let’s face it…I can be a bawl baby!  People have heard my laugh, but very few have heard my cry…and it’s an utterly sad thing to hear when I get going (this makes me chuckle as I write it…it’s true people…when I really let go,  I wail!  ha!  Big ol’ “Cry Face”!) So, I knew that I was touched beyond measure and there was no hope for me.

And then I heard myself think, “you might not know this man but this man is YOU, this man is anyone of my FRIENDS, this man could be my brother, father, or uncle”.  You DO know this man because that is what death is about…it’s about the living, remembering life, reflecting on the good, bad, ugly and beautiful.  You know these people that cry for his man…we all share ONE heart when it comes down to it.  That ROOT…that shared feeling,  all in that room felt  harmony within our sadness.  Sadness for the end of life and how the rest of us must live on.

So with that thought, my higher-self allowed me to surrender.  To surrender to my feelings…to get all snotty and weepy and just “sink in” to that place that I’ve been so many times in my life.  A wistful outpouring of gratitude and sorrow all in the same shot.  Compassion, empathy for those survivors of this death…I let go and the faucets turned on and out poured my tears.

After 45 minutes of several people making monumental heart felt sharing of times past, we were introduced to sing “Beautiful”.  Moments before we were about to go on, I prayed to my mom who has been gone for 8 years now, I said, “Mom…holy God, I could really use your help right now!  I need to step up and be strong for these folks and I really don’t know if I have it in me.  God, snap me out of it and let me be able to sing this song!  Or perhaps, God snap me INTO it and let me convey the meaning of this piece for these folks to take with them! Let me do right by this man who passed.”

We were introduced.  One would have had to be a stone to not feel all the emotion in that room.  Complete silence and sullen faces, open hearts and compassion that filled the air.  I stepped up to the microphone and with a shaky voice admitted to the audience that there were just a few things in life that were impossible to do at the same time, and that is cry and sing…ha!  They are like polar opposites.  We all chuckled, and then I opened my mouth and words popped out to introduce the song.  ”Life is Beautiful” indeed and that is why we were all standing in that room.  To celebrate this man’s life who is no longer.  To celebrate the time we all still have yet to share and experience.  I know I said a lot of profound things (because I can’t remember them right now…and that’s when I know Spirit speaks through me ha ha!  It’s not me, it’s someone else *big grin*)

After getting on the same page with the audience and admitting how touched I was and yet I didn’t know the gentleman that passed, they  clearly painted a beautiful picture of this man and conveyed what a precious gift he was and still is!

Then and only after that, I sniffled…took a deep breath and began to play.  Strumming those chords brought me “back home” again, into soul, into spirit, into what I knew I must do.  ”Isn’t this beautiful, here in this process a grand development…we don’t understand?”  (As the song goes).

I am constantly fascinated with life.  It’s such an amazing phenomena that we get to run around in these bodies and take on all sorts of challenges and adventures.  We get to interact with others and SEE ourselves and SEE others.  I feel so fortunate that I get to share the best of who I am, when I’m singing with an open heart to a crowd with an open heart.  There is no other feeling quite like it!  There have been moments, in the oddest places when I’ve let that song fly and I swear everyone goes up 50 feet with me and we all just “assend”.  It’s the coolest feeling I know.  And I plan to do a lot more of it.

So…I didn’t know what to write about when  I sat down here to blurt something out.  But I think perhaps I needed a reminder for myself…that come the winter if I go into “doubt land” and the days are shorter and the sun disappears all to quickly and “Speedy” is off and running…dig deeper and  inward for something beautiful. Revisit these words and that emotion.

Let my “leaves” fall, so they can nurture the soil and help this ol’ “tree” give life to new blossoms  in the spring.

Any who have read all of this, I thank you.  You are the quality of my audience and you are what fills me!  I would rather have quality than quantity any day.  The people that get something out of my music are those who aren’t afraid to look inward, or their spirit has caused them to resonate with my tunes TO look inward.  You are all champions in my book. Looking inward is not such an easy thing to do at times.

Tis the season to look inward, find something beautiful, let go of something not useful. Listen to your little voice.  Take stock in your inner wisdom…and yes…rake…and rake and rake some more!  It’s great exercise and it’s what the leaves are there for, wonderful reminders!  Where chores and “meditation” collide!  Enjoy it~!

Cheers beautiful people!!!  Bless you all!

Niccole