Hello Friends!
We arrived back from our trip to Cambria CA this week and what a trip it was! I attended a song-writers workshop with John Smith’s Tribe and it did NOT disappoint. Mo and our dear friend Trudy came down to take in the sights, the food, the ocean and help me have a good time!
I was in the workshop everyday from 10am-12pm, 4pm-6pm, and sometimes an evening class or jam. I was pleased with the content of the workshop and the people in the workshop were amazing. Each one was brilliant and unique as a song-writer. So many different styles and personalities, it felt like a small sub-family in a way.
We had traveled with about 7 of these folks to Ireland in 2019, and we knew a few more from a workshop we attended back in 2009. It was a coming together, a sharing on a most vulnerable level and a joining of brother-sister hood. JUST what the “doctor” ordered for me.
The first exercise out the gate was writing about your pain. We spent some time getting our “grievances” written down on paper after listening to an Andy Grammar song, “I wish you pain”. “Holy Jesus, what a way to start a workshop”, I thought. As I wrote out my sorrows I thought, “no way will I have to share this”. I mean, I was a teacher for years and always had the kids keep a journal and write things down, but NEVER expected them to share their writings. It was a teaching tool as an outlet and it sure beat them punching the lockers and breaking their hands.
So we had about 15 minutes of a free write and I spilled out my frustrations, my angers, my fears, my surrenders and it felt good to put down on paper just where I was at. This part is nothing new to me. I spend quite a bit of time just free writing. Normally I am on my computer airing all my dirty laundry onto a document and as I write something typically happens. I get clearer. I am uninhibited by another person’s presence or judgments of my words. I can speak freely and watch the letters form. I can type faster than I can write AND one could actually READ it! My handwriting has become like hieroglyphics! In some ways that is good, if I have a private song, I am the only one that can “de-code” it! Ha ha!!
So I am galloping along, scribbling my life’s hardships down on my yellow legal pad and thinking nothing of it, as I’m CERTAIN this is for our own process. The group stops writing and then Julie, John’s right-hand gal who always helps John facilitate these things, talks about vulnerability. She refers to some sayings and a book that Brene’ Brown had written called, “The Power of Vulnerability”. I was listening, and I have read about 3 of Brene’s books and I THINK I am ok with vulnerability. I think I lean IN instead of leaning OUT. I pride myself on doing shit that makes me absolutely uncomfortable. I stretch myself further and I’ve realized just how flexible I can be throughout my years, both physically and mentally.
I’ve put a LOT of work into being the person I’ve become, and I don’t say that lightly. It hasn’t been an easy thing. There has been no “blade of grass” I have not analyzed in my mind, or have processed. All my childhood shit has been usurped and looked at, analyzed and put back together again. I have literally had chapters in my life that have felt like a raw nerve exposed. Embracing shame, pain, rejection, unrequited love, familial pain, abuses, insubordination, anger, anger, anger (I say that 3 times because anger is my “go to” emotion ha!!! The ugly one that gets me on a New Jersey rant and the one I’ve learned how to laugh at because most of my anger is absolutely ridiculous!) So Julie started talking about sharing our writing and I felt myself get hot. I’m like, “Oh shit, really? I don’t know these people like that!” My body was on red alert. Kind of like having a hot flash but it’s all self induced stress.
My agreement to myself before I entered this workshop was to “go for broke”. Anytime I wanted to “lean out” I “leaned in”! Fuck! I did NOT want to share my vulnerable sweaty underwear with this group! Even though every one of them is a sweet soul, I sat there and sweat more!
Julie started to count us off. I am so familiar with this because I did this as a PE teacher. 1, gets to me and calls me “2”, 3,4,5,6 (there are about 12 of us in the workshop not including the instructors). My attention is razor sharp as I know where this is going. “Who’s going to be my partner?”, I’m thinking.
“1 *2*!!! 3 4”, Al!!! I have Al Hass as a partner! I knew this seconds before the group and AL. All the years of dividing kids up to play a game, the kids would try to organize themselves so they could calculate their champion soccer or flag football team. But I always saw through the jocks and would fuck them up by counting in 3’s or something that would throw them off. LOL!
So AL looks at me from across the circle and smiles wide. A huge sigh of relief goes through me. “Ahhhh…I love AL! I am safe!” He was a perfect partner and we bonded and had so much of the same shit riding on our shoulders. I could not have picked a better person to partner up with and he and I got closer and kept tabs on each other throughout the rest of the workshop.
Don’t get me wrong. My life is good! I feel so privileged to get a go with this music career and have the relationships that I do. But…we ALL have our demons. The things we ruminate over or the things that are just unsettling or not quite processed. And I slid into the “gate” with this vulnerability. Turning another year older, working this music thing through Covid when people are treating each other terrible, seeing my own physicality get older, realizing I have only so much time to do this, pressing my mind to expand, musically, physically, emotionally etc. It’s been a journey.
The core of this is…it takes a lot of heart churning to bring you the songs that I do! I don’t have the liberty to sit back and live a life that is only surface. That was never mine to do!
If you read these words, you know…I’m a bit intense. That can make some uncomfortable. I kick up other people’s vulnerability by being who I am, but I also give people the absolute FREEDOM to be exactly WHO they are! But all this comes to say…songs SUCK if they don’t have anything REAL to them! If they are just a “boop-boop a doo”! I’m not interested! The song loses me, I’m not grasped or led to expand, I’m just singing along. Slap stick music can still be entertaining and valid, but I’m not moved.
Now obviously there are those lighter tunes that I love, Diggy Dog, 5 star dive-bar, Fat Pants; I love writing those goofy songs too! I have a lot of humor and observations. But to write a song that compels me…to really put my heart out there…I LEAN IN instead of taking the easy way and leaning out…life’s too fucking short!
Say something worthwhile! You’ve got the mic, you’ve earned the stage. Sing a song that MOVES me! Right? Sometimes believe it or not, depending on the day, the state of mind, HORMONES (ugh God!)…we entertainers can feel completely at a loss. The magic or the muse may not be firing on all cylinders. Mo and I are lucky that we can “ping” off each other, especially if the crowd is dead, which is unusual for us.
I am lucky to have a partner that knows my mind, how I think, my insecurities and I know hers and can read her face quite well. We are there to say, “it’s ok to step out!” and we do this all the time for each other.
If you were on the spot, center stage…or let’s just say it’s Thanksgiving dinner time and YOU get to make the toast. Let’s just say the words are not coming to you, you try to say something funny and your people just look at you with a blank stare, clearly NOT picking up what you are putting down. It can be horrifying! Not so much in a dinner setting like that, but in a setting full of strangers and fans, it can be a real “oh shit” moment.
We LIVE our lives this way. We take for granted the koospa it takes to even get up on stage and put a guitar around our necks and step up to a contraption that is going to make your voice the loudest of anyone’s in the room! How fucking frightening! Every day, each show… oh my!
Now let’s open your journal, let’s take the very thing you were so scared to share with ANYONE…let’s put it in a song and then get up on stage with a microphone in your face and a piece of wood with strings that you’ve somehow learned to strum in time…and let’s sing to friends, fans and strangers your very deepest fears, hurts, wounds and injuries so that everyone ELSE can feel human! WTF!? Crazy right? Every day…every show…
Now you know why cover songs can be a real treat for us because we are NOT attached to the initial emotion of the song! Those all original shows can be a challenge. But…one I am up for!
It’s worth it to me to expose my thoughts and feelings and do it through music. It’s worth it because I see it show up on people’s faces when they connect with a song. I see their energy, how it shifts, how we temporarily feel like a “sub-family” at a B&K show. We ALL have our stories and we all just went for a ride on this tune and songs have a way of meeting you right where you are and spilling your heart out when words don’t fit. It’s fascinating and I love it!
So John Smith’s Tribe is a REAL group of people. I have a deep respect for each person’s journey. And in between the classes I was swept away to some of the most amazing places! This was the other side of the trip that I absolutely got my cup filled.
We explored Moonstone Beach where the stones were polished by the Sea and looked like jewels. So mesmerizing and enchanting, we wanted to bag all the little treasures and take them home! We explored the elephant seals and little town shops! The girls thought of lovely adventures to do each day and the food! Oh. My. God! Such amazing meals were had (which is why I need to add some extra cardio to my workout routine ha ha ha! Live a little! Right?)
We had a delicious time and enjoyed our moments together. Staying at the Pine Lodge in Cambria was such a treat as they had a hot tub and heated pool. We would get up early before class and soak, taking in the humming birds and butterflies that were in migration. The smells of jasmine in the air and the beautiful trees indigenous to California! My God I could live there if money were no issue (I would miss our community here in Boise, don’t worry folks). I love the climate, the ocean air that I was use to from my upbringing in New Jersey, the lightness and adventure of something new each day awakened all my senses and it was magical and dreamy.
I am left with many notes to decipher. A translation of the hieroglyphics, song starts, song concepts, theoretical ideas to move the music, a good shot in the ass to …DO THIS! I am left inspired, my heart is on fire, much desire - to bring it home and be the best artist I can be. I am grateful for the chance to do this and for Mo and Trudy for jumping in and making it a great adventure and exploration.
I am thankful to have time to reflect, write, and make time for myself. It’s been so rare to get to do this. We’ve taken a mini sabbatical from our shows this month. We have a few at the end of the month but I really wanted to SIT with what I knew I would get out of this workshop. I really want to investigate the possibilities to reach for the next “rung”. I feel blessed and honored to walk this special path called, “my life”.
You ALL have a special path to walk. I know inspiration can be hard to find. Especially in times like these. Who is lifting you up? How can you lift YOURSELF up? How can you “bring it home” – claim your own zest and desire to light your own heart on fire? What makes your soul sing? What hits your gas pedal? What makes you say YES?
Just some thought for you as I write this blog. Feel free to do the first assignment I had and write down all your grievances, demons, deepest fears and anger anger anger, and then….share it – or NOT! Ha ha! At least it will be out there and lighten your load!
I love all of you! So much! And I thank you for passing your eyes upon these words.
The download this month will be a favorite song of mine, “Desperado”. I love the story of this song. I love the melody, the chord progression, the tempo. It speaks to what I have written here, I hope it speaks to you. Coming down from our “fences” and opening our “gate”, can be a difficult journey. But really…what the hell else is there really to DO in this life? Isn’t that what we came to do? We are so distracted and we get pulled into so many things that aren’t real. I hope you all find your Queen of Hearts and remember, somebody loves you!
Blessings to you all!
Nicci
Mo and I at the Elephant Seal Beach
How could I NOT have a great time with these amazing souls???
Sharing a beer with my favorite Trudy!
Trudy is finds herself a rare boat!
Mo's favorite elephant seal
The gang the first night out at a Mexican Restaurant. Left to Right, the lovely Katie (Al’s Wife), the fabulous Al Hass, the talented Lance, the “mightiest” Mo, the dancing Dana, the Johnny Luv and then there is that cartoon character on the right. Heh!
A love sandwich!
Beautiful rocks on Moonstone Beach! Wow! So magnificent!
The whole trip was like a decadent dessert! Which is why I probably need to hit the gym extra the next few weeks! Ha!!! Totally filled my cup!
