Mo and Papa! 2014. I love this shot!
Playing the 5 Star Dive Bar at Roseberry!
Hey Folks,
August came in fast and left just as fast. Mo and I have been in a whirl-wind this last month. It’s hard to imagine just last week we played some amazing shows, the Roseberry concert series in Donnelly Idaho, and then for Big Al’s and the next day we were on a plane to rendezvous with family and celebrate my Dad’s life.
We arrived a half hour before the ceremony commenced. Everything was set up beautifully. 4 days prior I could tell I had stressed about it. A minor head-ache and inflamed throat, I was worn out hard and a bit nervous wondering if I had Covid or not. The last thing I wished to do was spread that to my family.
We played a house party for a couple (Nancy and Terry) in McCall. It was a mellow beautiful and small gathering and they let us camp and stay in their little cabin by a stream. That stay saved me! I needed the down time desperately. We’ve been running and traveling a lot this last month, including trips to Stanley and then all the way out to the Gorge in Washington to play and also listen to Brandi Carlile. With the excessive heat and smoke, stress and emotions about Pops wearing on me…my tank was empty.
Fran, Mo, Nicc, Trudy, Kathy and Lynda…ALL VIP members catching some Brandi Carlile at Gorge WA (the guy on the tv is photo bombing! )
Sitting by the stream with our sweet friend Trudy and taking in the deer and nature all around us, I came back to life. I can’t say I remember being that tired in years! We took naps, enjoyed the silence, had thoughtful conversation, ate sushi, emptied our minds and took in that beautiful lake Payette. Just what the doctor ordered.
Trudy Chillin’
Without that time, I don’t think I would have done so well at Dads. It was tough…bittersweet. The sweet part was seeing my family. My brother and sisters were there with their kids and my great nieces and nephew. My friend Timmy and his wife Jenni came too. Timmy was my first partner in music. He and I played all the venues in Sandpoint and North Idaho in the late 90’s. He plays on my debut CD “Despite the Dent’s”. He adds a beautiful 12 string guitar and vocal harmonies. He was instrumental in my life as a beginner and really helped me find my path in music, so encouraging.
The bitter part was being among all that beauty without that beautiful man by our side. Here we all were, gathered on his property, sharing stories and telling Dad jokes, and Dad wasn’t there. Everything he owns is there, his ties are still in his closet. When it got chilly I grabbed one of his down coats, stuck my hands in the pockets and there was a bag dog treats galore! Made me giggle and flooded me with memories.
We slept in his house that night. Just Mo and I. The families had made other arrangements. We were in this big, dark, cold house…without Dads physical presence. Oh, I FELT him there for sure…but I couldn’t hug him and that’s the bummer about death. It completely severs that physical contact. It can appear to be so final…and depending on your faith and how you believe, you never see that person again. Well, my belief is, until it’s your turn to go back to your maker.
I have a theory that we go to the other side and we carry out our lives in a different way. We don’t ever die, our bodies do, but our spirits are eternal. Now, I know this is probably a bit of a morbid blog and it’s entitled “Looking for the Good”, but there is “good” here. Even though it’s painful, I DID see him in the golden hue of the sunset or every time a dragon fly whizzed by. I saw him sitting in his chair, reading the paper, peeking over it saying, “Hey Nick-el, what cha up to today?”
Death is a vale and I don’t believe it’s a permanent thing. Much like the cycles of life, it’s another cycle. There is evidence (enough for me) in nature. We witness the Fall colors as the leaves slough off, back to the earth (or my compost bin) and then bloom in the spring. We wake up to a new sun rise every day. The moon orbits the Earth and the Earth orbits the Sun. There is this circular motion that happens in our Universe and on some level, death is a mere part of the circle.
Sunset at Lake Pend Oreille (Ponderay) Sandpoint Idaho
“Everything that goes comes back again, you can hold on to that string, sometimes the holding is the only thing” (excerpts from “Lena’s Lullaby”). Sometimes the holding, whether it’s who your snuggling with at night, who you hold in your heart dearly whether they are here with us or not…it’s the holding, it’s the remembrance, it’s being able to smile because of the time you had with the person. Tears are just a measurement for how much you loved them. Tears are good. They shed our feelings and fears. They restore our confidence and make us right again. Crying doesn’t hurt, it’s a grand release. Bottling feelings hurts, it represses us and adds confusion, stress and anxiety to our lives. If we can be free to feel, we shed those things that make us feel bottled and trapped. It’s simple really, but…it’s not easy.
To release we need to sit with the feelings. We need to feel the way we feel and cry when it comes up. All too often people get busy. They have all these feelings trapped in the body and in the mind. They run around doing doing doing, never stopping to feel. Looking for release in some other way; friends, work, alcohol or drugs, a to do list a mile long. And then we wonder why we are inflamed, or disenchanted with life, depressed or discontent. There are enough irritants in the world right now for feelings to topple over! “Who has time to cry?” ha ha!!! I cry all the time! Some are happy tears of gratitude and some are of deep sorrow.
One thing that truly allows us to stop and FEEL is music! The very thing we do! It’s a moment of coming together, seeing friends, listening to songs and letting our heart strings play as we listen. Nothing stabs my heart and opens my tear ducts like a song! OMG! Turn on my water works! What a powerful tool! It can bring you up or down! And it’s not terrible to use music in this way. To let it open you up and feel. To allow yourself a release of pain or loss or sorrow. I encourage tears, because they are real, it clears the weeds from our path.
I told a story to Mo, I don’t think I shared it with all of you, so forgive me if you’ve already heard it. It was after Pops passed away. I went for a swim to do laps and clear my mind. It was early morning and I had my suit on and my gear. I put my feet and lower legs in the cool pool. Brrrrr! I looked at the water with anticipation. Knowing I would get use to it in under 10 seconds as soon as I started moving. But to sit there in the chill, I was not looking forward to the shock of the cold water. I thought about my Dad on morphine the last few days of his life. I wondered, was he reticent to “jump”? To leap up out of his body and transition to a new atmosphere?
With that, I took a deep breath and even though my body resisted, I plowed into the cold water and started kicking my feet very hard. I was flying! So free as we float in the water! Weightless! Floating! It was cool but like I knew, I was use to it under 10 seconds and it was invigorating! I thought, this must be what death feels like. You are in a different surrounding with new laws. It’s a transition. One we can fear, one we can embrace. I could have sat with my feet in for another 15 minutes but my goal was to swim.
Beaver Bay, the most southern tip of the lake!
My goal is to live the very best life I can. I know others have a similar goal. How can I be my best self? I walk with that conscientiously all the time. It shows up during the little every day life things. Doing dishes, picking onions from the garden, practicing scales, gazing a a beautiful lake, seeing love in friends eyes. Yes, it hurts that he’s gone but he’s with me. Just as the people you may have lost are STILL with you!
Mega onions! Walla Walla’s and Reds, picked from our garden! I think this made Dad smile!
There is a musician/entertainer that I adore! Her name is PINK! She is dynamic, strong, beautiful, beyond talented! She is a sensation! I put her up there with Cher! A true show girl! If you haven’t seen her latest documentary on Netflix, check it out. It’s called, “All I Know So Far” and I just fell in love with her and this song. There is a line that says, “Even I can’t teach you how to fly…but I can show you how to live, like your life is on the line!!!” I love that line! If your life was on the line, what would you do? How would you be? What would you wish to complete? clean up? embark upon?
I love the truth of this tune! The passion she puts into it and the honestly she shares with her children and to us. She is remarkable and has grown into quite a performer through her years. I am glad there is a PINK on this planet! I don’t have it in me to swing out on a cable to a crowd, so I’m glad SHE gets to do that and we all get to feel through her performance and music! How awesome that the world has PINK!
So ”let the walls crack, cause it let’s the light in”…be strong enough to be vulnerable, “when the storms out and your running in the rain, put your sword down dive right into the pain….” If you are living life, you WILL be drug through some hell times…but you will be eternally who you are, and this world needs people like you! Don’t forget that!
I hope you enjoy our version of the great PINK song: That’s All I Know So Far
This is all I know so far, and I look forward to the learning! Be well beautiful friends! Thank you for your love, support & kindness! Find the Good! Leave the rest!
Finding the Good! A weird gift I have is finding 4 leave clovers…strangest thing. Almost as weird as my goat impression! LOL!
Niccole
More good! Just for fun, my brother’s new wiener dogs! Missy and Max! So cute!
